Healthy Self Confidence or Hubris?

Your mind has to be in the right place in order to improve

( 1st in a series of 6)
 

It was a big mistake on my part. 

I said, “That was a fine presentation you just gave.”

“Thank you.”

“You were very entertaining and interesting. I talked to other attendees and they too really liked your talk,”

I continued,  “I have one question, you covered a lot of ground in 45 minutes, what would you say are the three most important points out of all the points you made?”

At a large industry conference, I actually said this to a well-known and well regarded speaker.  Even though his face crumpled with a look of annoyance, he responded,

“All my points are important.”

Without monitoring his nonverbal expressions, I pressed on,

“Tell me your three most important points.”

His face became red, and he grabbed a paper with notes, and rattled off a few things in no particular order of importance.  Then he slammed the paper down and exclaimed,

“Are you satisfied?”  His last word started with an A_ _ and ended with _ ole.

I apologized and walked away. 

 

I felt bad; I had just criticized a speaker way above my pay grade.  He did not ask for my opinion and did not want my opinion.  I thought I knew better than to make such a mistake.

Public Speaking is an Art

He is an excellent entertainer and speaker with an implied depth of knowledge in his field.  He makes the audience feel good and glad they attended. 

A few remembered some funny lines, but nothing of substance.  Actually, I don’t recall anything of substance.  He may have but, if so, it was buried in his stories—often times the speaker must “connect the dots” when using stories to make a point. This is a shame because he thinks he is helping people with his vast knowledge in their businesses when in reality he is simply entertaining

Twenty to thirty people lined up after the presentation to tell him how much they enjoyed his talk.

This feedback might be the root of his over confidence.

He didn’t notice the 1,970+ that didn’t say anything—several even walking out early.

The purpose of the Conference was to help small business owners grow their business. Therefore, I suggest he could be more effective giving more consideration to the science of public speaking.

Public Speaking is a Science

As effective speakers, we must stick to one main idea and support it with a maximum of three main points—a good guideline that is flexible depending on situation.  Also, we must select the main idea based on the needs of the audience. This is the science of public speaking.

I randomly interviewed over 20 people attending (about 2,000 people were in the audience) and not one could recall a point or will make any change in their life or business after listening to his entertaining talk even though all 20 thought he was a good speaker. 

On one level, there is nothing wrong with entertaining; however, he could be so much more effective and a difference maker; but, he never will with his current attitude.  He is far from his potential; yet, he thinks he has arrived. 

This is hubris.

Of course who showed the hubris—me or him?  I think it was clearly both.  I was way out of line offering criticism to someone who didn’t ask, and clearly, he has a self-serving bias to his speaking ability.

As good as any speaker is, she can be even better.  Dropping all pretenses, stereotypes, and self-serving biases, where are you?  If you think you are a master of public speaking and don’t need to learn anymore, you won’t.  If you are fabulous, but think you can still do better, you will—no matter your ability and skill level.

Let’s define our terms

“Hubris is exaggerated pride or self-confidence” according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.  Investopedia.com goes further: “The characteristic of excessive confidence or arrogance, which leads a person to believe that he or she may do no wrong. The overwhelming pride caused by hubris is often considered a flaw in character. While these hubris feelings are often justified, they often cause irrational and harmful behavior.”

“Hubris is an excess of confidence: a boxer who shouts "I'm the greatest!" even though he's about to get pummeled,” according to vocabulary.com.  They go on to say “…it just refers to over-the-top self-confidence. If you call yourself the best in something, you better have the goods to back it up, since too much hubris can lead to embarrassment and humiliation.”

“Self-serving bias is our tendency to take credit for success (self-enhancing bias) and deny any responsibility for failure (self-protective bias). This helps to protect our ego. It also enables us to confirm that we are meeting our goals,” according to ChangingMinds.org.  For example, if we get good feedback from a talk, we take credit for it, if someone criticizes our talk we become defensive and dismiss the criticism as coming from a dumbass.

According to Communication Research and Psychology Today, a study was done to research a self-serving bias with a large random sampling of businessmen. Asked how they rate themselves in their abilities to get along with others, 60% rated themselves in the top 25% and an astounding 25% rated themselves in the top 1% of the USA population defying mathematical laws.  In leadership ability, 70% rated themselves in the top 25% of the population.

“Self-confidence is an attitude which allows individuals to have positive yet realistic views of themselves and their situations,” according to the Counseling Center’ website at the University of Illinois.

How does this affect you and me?

Hubris and a self-serving bias throw us out of balance.  We need self-confidence to improve; but, once we cross the line into exaggerated self-confidence we tend to focus on Aesop’s Golden Eggs (what is produced—such as our bias towards our ability to give great talks) at the expense of the Golden Goose (the capacity to produce—which in this case is our ability to speak in public.  We stop improving).  The late Stephen Covey argues we must balance both.

In order to balance, we must get our minds right and be open to seek out and embrace professional improvement in our public speaking skill.  It’s not only for our sake; but, also for the sake of the audience sitting in those uncomfortable chairs eagerly anticipating substantive and concrete information.

Public Speaking is a complex process that requires the following ingredients:  Preparation, knowledge, self-confidence, humility, and empathy combined in the right amounts that are different depending on the situation and how you relate to the audience.  That’s why public speaking is a balance of art and science. 

It is the absence of hubris and a self-serving bias.

Rod Mattson

Bibliography

Aesop and the Golden Goose http://www.umass.edu/aesop/content.php?n=14&i=1

Covey S. (1990) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People p.54 Simon & Schuster New York.

Hubris http://www.investopedia.com/terms/h/hubris.asp#ixzz2MPtHCVow

Hubris http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/hubris

Myers D. (1980)“The Inflated Self” Psychology Today. May. pp. 14-16.

Self-Serving Bias http://changingminds.org/explanations/theories/self-serving_bias.htm

Sypher B. and Sypher H.(1997) “Seeing Ourselves as Other’s See Us” Communication Research  

23 pp. 477-506.

Copyright March 2013 Mattson Communication Training

Next article:

Motivation:  Get Others to Do What You Want Them to Do Because They Want to Do It.

The psychology of motivating, persuading, and informing.

Leadership and Common Sense

Lee Iacocca writes about the 9 “C’s” of leadership in his book, Where Have all the Leaders Gone?  The ninth “C” is Common Sense.  It struck me as funny because I would like to know his definition of “common sense.”  It’s a term that any of us would struggle to define; however, we all know it when we see it, right? 

In fact, like Iacocca, other business/management/leadership authors use the same type of words to describe leadership:  character, credibility, competence, communication, charisma, conviction, courage, curiosity, etc.  These words all have the same problem as the word beauty—I can’t describe it, but I know when I see it.

The problem is that we all view the world differently and there is no single working definition of any of these words.  Even the word leadership fits into this category of words—I can’t describe it, but I know it when I see it.

If Common sense is so common, why do most of us have a different idea of its definition?  Men and women differ on common sense because we have different experiences, the different generations differ because of different contexts, people who live in different States differ because of different environments, people from different countries differ because of different cultures, people of different religions differ because of different beliefs, people of different social/economic levels differ because of different lifestyles, people of different education levels differ because of different amounts of information, etc.  Actually I have really over simplified the problem as all these differences affect the common sense of everyone. Additionally , many more factors are involved in our personal common sense such as race, ethnicity, attitudes, values, abilities, past experiences, etc.

We are all different, even children growing up in the same families have different definitions of common sense because they all had different friends, interests, role models, teachers, jobs, hobbies, and experiences. 

Clearly, good common sense says the there is no such thing as common sense and I hope that is what Iacocca meant.  Like art, meanings of leadership and common sense are in the eye of the beholder.  Once we realize each person interprets words, situations, and relationships differently, we will then begin to communicate, lead, and follow better.  For leaders to be effective, the leader’s job is to clearly communicate to people her/his meanings of words including common sense.

Use Your Fear of Public Speaking to Your Advantage

Even if Our Biggest Fears of Public Speaking Happen, It Still Won’t Cause a Negative Difference in the Effectiveness of Our Message

All Politics aside, Senator Marco Rubio’s response to the President’s State of the Union address should ease the fears of most public speakers. 

 

The biggest obstacle that most people refuse to hurdle in order to share their valuable viewpoints, ideas, and information is the fear of public speaking. 

 

Those fears are specifically some of the following:

•  Not being perfect        

• Dry mouth

•  Sweating

• Red face

• Being laughed at

•  Being judged

• Not being liked

• Not being approved

Other fears include:

• White face

• Hands or knees shaking

• Feeling sick to your stomach

• Being stared at

• etc.

Senator Rubio had the first group of fears happen to him and he is still fine.  He survived, went to work the next day without losing his job, and got invited to be on many TV and radio talk shows.  He raised his profile by getting a lot of attention from the comedians, and questions from the press.  This resulted in more platforms to share his message. 

 

However, he did not get seriously judged for being nervous.  Nervousness is something all professional speakers can understand.  Even though most in the press brought it up, they (pundits of all political stripes) brushed off his nervousness as not important and not part of the message.

Ironically, Florida Democratic strategist, Steve Schale, said Rubio's water grab didn't hurt him and his initial good-humored response to it could end up being a plus for him.  Schale said Democrats should take Rubio seriously as a potential 2016 presidential candidate.

The audience and the message, tailored to such audience, is where our focus should be, only partially on our performance.  To Senator Rubio’s credit, he did not focus on his performance, it was on his message.  Not once in his presentation did he apologize or bring attention to his sweating and dry mouth.

 

He will still be asked to speak many, many times in the future as his nerves were not and will not be a determining factor in his speaking ability.  He will be remembered for the water drink and could have handled that with better grace though; but, still it isn’t important in the larger picture.  We still need people like Senator Rubio and all other people such as you in all walks of life to have their voices heard in an effective, clear, and civilized way.

Do you want to fight for a cause?

Do you want to speak up; but, nobody listens?

 

Do you want to make an important point, but it gets lost in words?

Do you have a burning passion for a societal issue or political cause, but don’t know how to be heard?

That’s my job.  My purpose in this life is to teach people to stand up for their beliefs and be heard.  I teach you to say what you mean in the least amount of words with the highest possible impact.   

This is my cause, my way of speaking up, my important point, my societal issue.

You can call me and I will help you move people to action and/or change the way people think because of your passion.

www.MattsonCommunication.com

Don't Underestimate the Power of First Impressions

We all heard the phrase, “you never get a second chance to make a first impression.”  However, it is more powerful than most of us might think. Always “place your best foot forward” when making a first impression; otherwise, you will unfairly miss out on some great opportunities. At the very least, you are sure to “go down swinging.” 

Often, we make decisions based on biased perceptions because we do not always take in enough information to make sound decisions.  There are two main reasons for this: one, there is too much information in our environment causing “information overload.” Two, we “filter” out unwanted information selecting only information that confirms what we already know. This “selective listening” causes flawed or biased perceptions.

We like to think of ourselves as good people and consistent in that our behavior matches our values, beliefs, and attitudes.  As long as we have that “match,” we feel our decisions for the most part are good, and generally, we will stand by our decisions even if we had the chance to do them over again. 

When our behavior doesn’t match our beliefs—we slip into “cognitive dissonance.”  This dissonance causes us distress and disharmony triggering action to get the two back into harmony quickly.  We have at least two choices: we can change our thinking that is being threatened, or we can change our behavior. Reconciling dissonance affects first impressions in a big way.

In a job interview, the interviewer likely has perception biases too.  Given this assumption, she may instantly notice something unfavorable: your appearance, your dress, your handshake, or even the way you might answer the first question or two. More questions come and your responses may contradict her first impression; however, she won’t select that information because she already decided you will not be chosen; selecting contradictory information would cause her to have cognitive dissonance.

Amazingly, your answer on the 10^th question is the only answer that confirms her earlier unfavorable impression and she immediately thinks, “Aha!  I knew I was right about you” thus, she is confident in her decision, and you unfairly missed out on an opportunity.